I haven’t written on this blog for a while, and although I promised myself I would write in it at least once a week, I’ve also promised to be gentle on myself. In the past I’ve had a tendency to give up on things I’m really passionate about when feeling like I’ve fallen behind. That’s not a habit I want to nurture. So this is basically going to be a post about what I’ve been up to and where I’m at emotionally.
Some good friends of mine were married last week (*due to AU laws against gay marriage they were technically ‘ceremonially committed’, but that shouldn’t take away from their beautiful ceremony and love for each other). One of the brides is a close friend of mine, and over the years the other has become a good friend too. The celebrations went on over a few nights in this really cool lodge on Bruny Island in Tasmania. Seriously, so incredible down there!
It was a small, intimate group of people which included some of their new friends, our group of friends, and my close friends family. Unfortunately the other brides family are homophobic and refused ‘to be involved with this part of her life’ to which we all questioned as why the heck would they not want to be involved in her ultimate happiness… but anyway, they really missed out on the most beautiful and meaningful wedding I have ever had the pleasure to experience.
I have absolutely fallen in love with Tasmania. Living in sunny Queensland, you often hear about how lovely and cold it is down there. All of which is true! There is a really quaint atmosphere even in their capital city, breathtaking scenery, and the autumn weather is like mid-winter up here. There was so much wildlife as well! I saw an echidna, whales, wallabies, so many different birds! Unfortunately I didn’t see any penguins… yet. I’m honestly considering moving down when I finish my studies.
On that note I’ve also had a few assignments and an exam to study for. One of which was referenced in another post and I had planned to break it all down but I just didn’t have the time to go into so much detail. I also realised that the Furedi paper is too repetitive to break down so much, but I will get back to that post stream once I’ve finished another assignment. I do find my sociology class and it’s contents really interesting.
The Sociology of Identity class has actually been both interesting and confronting. It’s difficult for me to learn about the gross generalisations of people, particularly those who endure disadvantaged childhoods. This is obviously due to my insecurities of being one of those people. I wasn’t sure how to take it all at first but I’m feeling my recent anxiety was due to a number of experiences all going on at once, including the sociology subject.
At the beginning of the year I was experiencing several challenges. It was just hitting me that my childhood traumas were still quite deeply seated, and regardless of hitting the highest point in my life, a simple confrontation with my biological father totally threw my emotional stability. I’ve also realised that my degree and eventual job prospects don’t satisfy my dreams. I’m torn between wanting to finish what I’ve started, which I had thought was my dream come true, and not wanting to destroy my soul by pursuing it simply for the sake of not quitting.
I had also finished my advised period on anti-depressants which is a noteworthy contribution to my emotional turbulence. Although all of this happening at once really threw me, I’ve noticed something I’ve always known but hadn’t considered it to be an issue until now. I have been working towards establishing a career in an industry with the purpose of giving my life to that field. It’s not so bad at face value, but I am guilty of saying with absolute confidence that ‘I don’t care about work/life balance, I just want a life that allows me to work as hard as possible’. It’s a little excessive and I feel that it speaks a lot for my relationship with Complex PTSD.
It has also become apparent that after a strange falling out with a new friend, I began to withdraw from opening up to my psychologist. I decided to send an email to thank her for everything she has helped me work though and apologise because I felt it was rude of me to discredit her hard work (while acknowledging in myself that I had discredited my own hard work as well). She replied a week later and I must admit I was struggling to not feel embarrassed over the few days before receiving her response…
Her reply was really open and meaningful, I could tell that she was genuinely touched by my expression of gratitude. I had been wanting to express my gratitude for a while but wasn’t sure how to approach that kind of exchange with my psychologist. I can be a bit uncomfortable with emotional discussions, and yes I see the irony there now lol. It’s true that caregivers are often under-acknowledged for their profoundly meaningful work, and I’m really glad to have worked up the courage to share my appreciation for all she has helped me with.
I’m looking forward to my next session with her because I finally know how to put into words what I’ve been trying to talk about over the past few sessions. Rather than entering her office with a bundle of anxious thoughts I can discuss issues that I would like her to help overcome. And I’m feeling like my relatively confident, happy self again. The amazing holiday in Tassie probably has a lot to do with this. It’s really great to know I have good people around me, and a beautiful country to live in. Experiencing both of those is even more to be grateful for! It’s really soothed my soul.
Warms regards, xxx